Schmoozing 101

OK so I am pretty opinionated when it comes to what churches need to do, be, change for the sake of renewal. If I didn't have such a winning personality, I'd probably be annoying. Even more often.

I am teachable, however, and I love learning new things. Recently, in the company of a couple of very wise women, I learned that it can be way too easy to overlook the obvious.

Based on research I did in partnership with my friends at the ELCA's department of research and evaluation, Reclaiming the E Word: Waking Up To Our Evangelical Identity has just been published. In this little book I share five patterns we identified in fast-growing congregations that have a proven record of connecting with their community. I told these ladies about the five things we found in these congregations and suggested that this list has something to teach sleepy mainline churches: We need to help people see, experience, recognize, and follow a REAL God! We need to help people hear God's voice speaking to them through the Biblical story! We need to help people embrace their call from Jesus as ministers in their everyday lives! We need to help inspire a willingness in our congregation to do whatever it takes to connect with our communities! We need to help people expect and embrace the kind of transformation that happens when we are met by Christ!

You know what one of these ladies said?

"Well, I think we just need to help people in our congregations learn how to SCHMOOZE."

I felt like somebody just pushed me out the door into a cold rain.

I'm not kidding. And she wasn't either.

"People in our congregations don't know how to talk to each other," she said. "They don't know how to meet new people. They don't know how to talk to strangers."

How are we ever going to talk about JESUS with people if we don't even know how to make SMALL TALK?!?

Heck, I've visited churches where nobody talked to me AT ALL.

"So, how would you do it?" I asked. "What would you teach people in a class on SCHMOOZING?"

I knew they'd have some ideas about this because, up until that point, I had been the very grateful beneficiary of their schmoozing! These women were EXPERTS. I had just met them a few hours before and, already, I felt like we had become fast friends.

I pulled out a pen and took notes on a napkin. I thought to myself, this'd be a great topic for a newsletter article...a Sunday morning announcement...an adult Sunday School class...a leadership training workshop. I thought: This needs to be shared! Sometimes the simplest things are the ones it is easiest to miss. So, for the sake of renewal in our congregations, I urge you: Teach your people to schmooze!!

Now, here's the list my new friends made. Feel free to share:

LEARNING TO SCHMOOZE 101

1. Stay standing!

In too many of our churches, we set up tables for coffee hour. Everybody sits with their friends or family. Those without either of those things sit alone. Get rid of the tables and chairs! People who STAND naturally move around more, making it far less awkward to wander over to meet those people you haven't met before.

2. Get over yourself.

Stop being afraid you're going to embarrass yourself by REintroducing yourself to someone...or some other social goof. Of course you're going to make mistakes. Everybody does. Go into this ready to admit that you're not perfect...to others...and to yourself.

3. Assume people don’t know you.

Unless the person you're talking to is the godparent of your oldest child or you've played bridge in their home or they've got your cell phone number on speed dial, please tell them your name when you say hello. If you don't, you not only look arrogant, you put them in the very awkward position of having to pretend like they know who you are. If you introduce yourself (even over and over again, each time you greet them) it's easier for you to ask them THEIR name, too. Even after I've given an hour long presentation to a group, I greet people one on one saying, "Hi, I'm Kelly." How do I know they weren't out of the room when I was talking?! How do I know they weren't sitting in the back of the room and aren't sure I'm that short woman who was working up such a sweat way up in the front? It's just bad form not to introduce and REintroduce yourself to the people you're talking to. The only exception (maybe) is if everybody is wearing name tags. Which is a good idea, by the way.

4. Look people in the eye, smile at them, and actually LISTEN to what they're saying.

Do I have to say more about this? Duh.

5. Remember that they are just as, if not more, uncomfortable than you are.

This is especially true if they are in "your" house...or church. For goodness sakes, put yourself in their shoes. And go be nice.

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Read EXCERPTS FROM RECLAIMING THE E WORD here!

Comments

[Deb]

I completely agree - social awkwardness does as much to interfere with the breath of Spirit moving through a group as anything else I can think of. I think of this as if we - the Body of Christ in this world - have come down with "social arthritis".

Anybody of a certain age knows that when you've got arthritis, most of what you have to do is get up and keep moving and eventually it becomes less painful. Otherwise, you get stuck in one place and are focused more and more on how much it hurts.

This is why a friend and I pushed (and schmoozed) to get our congregation to wear nametags on Sundays. Not everybody does it but most do most Sundays and it has eased a certain amount of the awkwardness of knowing you are SUPPOSED to know somebody's' name but you aren't quite sure.

I have introduced myself to any number of folks and asked if they were visitors and they've been members for years. We have two services and this has shaken out to mean we almost have two separate congregations. But that is not the death knell of anything - just a sign of a church reaching a certain size. We rejoice in those events when we all gather together and move on.

We have also taken on actively passing the peace many Sunday mornings. Slowly but surely, this is getting easier to do for even the most reserved among us, and for some is becoming an absolutely delightful way to connect and reconnect with their brothers and sisters in Christ.

Finally, many of us are trying to develop an active practice of spending no more time with friends and family on Sunday morning than we have already spent with somebody we are NOT so comfortable with. Sort of a "give five-take five" step. If I have spent 5-10 minutes getting better acquainted with somebody I do not speak with regularly then I can take another 5-10 with folks I talk to all the time.

None of this is perfect- none of this is "The" answer, but tumbled all together it helps us at least be more aware that we need to be schmoozing with each other in the name of Christ. It is pretty tricky to love your neighbor if you won't speak to them!

[Tom in Ontario]

Okay, now that's excellent advice. I AM going to put that into our next newsletter. This is the kind of thing I've been talking about from time to time. We need some sort of clearing house for these good ideas. I love most of what you write here but often the message that comes across is that we have to get off our butts, get out there, and do something but the something that we're supposed to do isn't spelled out in much detail.

I heard from the Lutheran congregation in the neighouring city that they reached out to their neighbourhood last Saturday by hosting a bicycle safety clinic that the police came to. They had a barbeque out and served free burgers to the people who came. Now I'm thinking, we've got to tell other congregations about what they did and how they did it. It's something we all could try.

Likewise, I can see where you and those ladies were going with learning to schmooze but we needed the SCHMOOZING 101 lesson to go along with the advice.

Thank you.

[Yvonne]

In peer ministry we teach young adults and youth how to start a conversation with someone using this handy guide:

W - Where you live: "where are you from?"
H - Hobby: "what hobbies do you like to do?"
E - Event: "what was your experience like while you were at. . .?'
A - Acquaintance: "how did you meet. . .?"
T - Travel: "have you been to. . .?"

When you meet someone new and can't think of something to say "wheat" them - I just heard from one of my former students, who is graduating from college in May, and feels awkward in social situations that he still uses this today.

[Rhonda]

It occurs to me as I read this list that another point might be to 'ask questions and wait for the answers'. Most of us believe that a good conversationalist is one who talks well and easily but in fact, it's probably the person who listens intently and talks little. When we feel that we've been heard, we feel appreciated and validated - I think I'd come back to a church where I felt that.

Also, thanks Tom for your note about the bike safety clinic. I heard about another congregation who wanted to reach out to their community but didn't have the energy or resources to do a fall supper. Instead, they invited the neighbourhood to come to a 'Pumpkin Party' where the fare included pumpkin pie and whipped cream, pumpkin muffins and loaves and lots of coffee. Great venue for practicing Shmoozing 101 seems to me.

KELLY'S RESPONSE - Thanks for piping up here, rlorch...and for being one of my two inspirations for this post! I've been getting emails all day from people who are saying it's one of the most helpful they've seen on this blog! :) Good suggestion, too, about the importance of listening. You're an expert at it!

[Reva Rasmussen]

Hi Kelly,

Pastor Carol Tomer sent your blog to our evangelism committee last spring. We talked about how to practice your suggestions.

Today I went back to read it after a dear friend told me she'd been to my church for a program and afterward stood in the coffee room and not one person said hello to her.

The thing is, my friend is an extroverted, Italian-Norwegian, unchurched Lutheran and all you have to do is accidentally bump her and you're in a long conversation.

We've been working on greeting visitors and guess what? We've got to continue to work on it! Thanks for your tips.